A Healthy Look at Life and Death

My grandmother passed away last year at nearly 99 years old! She was an amazing and strong woman, that saw and experienced so many changes over nearly 100 years. Everyone in our family felt she would be with us forever! She lived a full life. While we knew immortality was not a reality, she had been with us for every major event in our lives, and we could not imagine her not being there in the future. While no one knows when the end will come, my grandmother was acutely aware that her days were short. In the last ten years of her life, my grandmother reminded me dozens of times that I would be doing her funeral. While she loved life, she also recognized that she was slowing down, her eyes were failing, and her body was naturally wearing out. 

Throughout my life, I have conducted many funerals, and celebrations of life. Some of them, even though there was the loss of a life, have been true celebrations, because it was a celebration of a beautiful, and full life. We all know there is a beginning, and an end of life. However, while we all understand this, in general, most do not contemplate the end of life, and many will avoid this thought all together. Unfortunately, this leaves many people very unprepared for what naturally unfolds, and the more it’s avoided, the more difficult it becomes to be prepared. The mere thought of death is too macabre for some to contemplate, and by avoiding the thought, it somehow makes people feel the end can be controlled, or pushed off. In reality, avoidance simply creates more stress and anxiety, and when there is a life-threatening illness that occurs, many times a family cannot even talk about the possibility of death because the subject has been avoided throughout the years. 

Because of my grandmother’s candidness regarding her mortality, my religious faith, and my background in working with people in their times of grief, it took much of the fear out of death when it came to Lyn’s illness. Lyn’s mother passed away less than a year into our marriage, and we lost a good number of family and friends within the first two years, so we had many discussions about death. Therefore, when Lyn was given a rough cancer diagnosis, we were very candid about life and death. We shared very openly about her diagnosis, prognosis, the future, and continuing to move forward if she did not make it. Although we remained positive, and wanted nothing more than for her to be healed from the horrible disease, we had to remind one another that we simply could not control her illness.

As mentioned in previous posts, having honest conversations about death is healthy, reduces fear, and minimizes surprises in the future. I know I do not want to leave surprises for my children! Trust me in writing that they also do not want to have to deal with planning what I should have taken care of. A healthy view of life and death means that I am taking charge of my life, and also my end of life the best way I can.

This was one of the reasons we were very transparent with our children during the process of her illness. We wanted them to fully understand what was happening, and that death was a possibility. Being prepared truly helps everyone. Yes, while nothing prepares us for the end, it still helped to have all the possibilities outlined ahead of time. The end was a jolt that I cannot accurately describe, but pretending that death was not a possibility would have been far worse.

However, even though that throughout our life we talked about life and death, I can honestly say that we should have talked about it more because it would have set a more detailed outline of what we wanted our life to look like many years ago. I always tell people to begin life with the end in mind and work backwards to achieve what you want. Granted, it never works out perfectly, but operating with a plan almost always works out better. Therefore, while I cannot have a redo on life, I can certainly write about it, and speak openly to my children and friends as they are starting lives with their partners. 

To date, I have had the honor of officiating the weddings of two of my children. When I had the opportunity to sit down with each couple prior to the wedding, I was able to give some fatherly advice about life, love, marriage, and death. Yes, death. Why talk about death in the midst of a beautiful time? Because I believe when we begin with the end in mind, and work backwards, it sets up an outline for our entire life. There is no better time to do this than when a couple is ready to unite in marriage.

When people get married, there are vows that are generally taken by each partner. The vows usually have something included, such as, “I will support you in sickness and in health,” or something similar. The wedding day is day one of marriage. But what happens at day two, or what might happen at day 10,950 (30 years)? We cannot predict the future, and as stated, we do not know when our end of days will occur. But it will come, and my point is that it is better to be prepared with a plan, rather than pretending that it will never happen. People naturally want to focus on the “in health” part, and ignore the “in sickness” part.

My hope in writing and talking about life and death is to encourage healthy dialog, and talk about what they want their life to look like on a daily basis. However, it is also an opportunity to talk about much more, and specifically, the end, and what will happen after the end, as the other person must move forward in life as a single person. Because, in general, one partner will leave this world before the other. That’s where the marriage vows come in, and specifically the part where it is said, “Until death do us part.” It’s the “What happens now?”

Unfortunately, while this is reality, most avoid the subject of death, and the future, and when the time comes, most are largely unprepared for not only immediate arrangements that need to be made, but also the moving forward in life part for the surviving spouse, and even the children. By ignoring the subject of life, illness, death, and moving forward, it can paralyze the surviving spouse, and leave them with feelings of tremendous guilt when considering future companionship. In fact, this also impacts how the children think about their parent dating, or perhaps marrying in the future. While everyone knows the part of the marriage vows, “Until death do us part,” many cannot accept this, and therefore have difficulty accepting that it is okay to move forward and even enter a new relationship when the time is right for the surviving partner.

My background has allowed me to be around families that have lost a parent. I have seen it quite often where the children have significant angst at the mere thought of their parent dating, or marrying again. One major reason why some children have difficulty seeing their parent move forward in a future relationship is because the topic of life, death, and moving forward is not talked about during the process. In other words, they were not included in the conversation. 

Granted, one has to keep in mind what is age appropriate for certain details. Death can be truly frightening for some younger children. However, many times parents try and shield even their adult children from the truth of what is going on, and when the end happens, many are left in shock and pain. For some children, they cannot fathom their parent being with anyone else in the future, and feel it is somehow disrespecting the person who passed. Again, this occurs because many times the topic of death and moving forward in life are avoided during the journey. This is one of the reasons to have the conversations throughout life, and involve family members in the conversation, when appropriate.

Life and death have to be talked about! Granted, it is an uncomfortable subject because when you are young and healthy, you feel invincible. Many think, “Death is for old people.” But we all know that this is not true. We all know too well those that have left us far too early. Many think, “We will have many years to talk about life, death, and prepare.” But when? The fact is that most people think about his or her own mortality quite often, but never admit this. They hold it in like a tight secret. All avoidance does is to create a fear about death or getting ill, and it can have a powerful grip on a person’s life.

The more one avoids the subject of the end, and planning for the end, does not do anything to prevent what will eventually happen. A healthy look at life and death involves planning for life, and also planning for our end of days. I speak from personal experience that taking control of our situation, and talking things out helped us have peace of mind, and charted a path for me into the future once Lyn left this life behind. Taking control means not only planning out life, but also planning out how you want things to be after this life is over. 

While it may be uncomfortable to think about, I have no doubt once you have done it, you will not only have peace of mind, but your family will also have peace of mind since they will not have to stress about the future plans. This will help you and others move forward in life with clarity.