Bringing in Hospice

I have always been one that liked to control my situation in life, to the best of my ability. I used to think about it as, being prepared. However, when it came down to, “being prepared,” it was more about attempting to control the outcome. I used to think that being prepared, or controlling the outcome gave me peace. However, I found out that when my wife got her cancer diagnosis, I had no control, and the only thing I could be prepared to do, was to schedule doctor appointments, be prepared to ask questions, and set up treatment.

When one thinks about his or her life, we actually have very little control over what happens. Sure, we can make choices on when we will wake, eat, and go to bed. However, beyond that, there are things in life that we cannot control. There is a quote by musician, Toby Mac that says, “God will give you what you need when it’s time.”

This quote speaks to me, because when that time came, in which things were totally out of our control, we could see that it wasn’t necessary to be in control. Lyn and I allowed our faith to guide us, and indeed God gave us exactly what we needed when it was time.

It has been nearly four years since my wife was stricken with cancer and a stroke, and over time, I realized that being a bit out of control actually gave me greater peace than attempting to be in control. Attempting to control life is exhausting! It was during this time that I grew the most personally, and spiritually.

When Lyn became ill, we were instantly in a place we never could have imagined, and it was a painful place to be. As a family, and extended family, we pulled together. All of our family members, and her extremely close friends had the opportunity to spend time with Lyn, which made her very happy. She loved spending time with family and friends!

As I have written previously, we had a genuine peace throughout her illness. Of course, we wanted to find that magic wand that could bring about healing, but we all knew that we did not have that kind of control or power. The best we could do was to focus on our daily peace, happiness, and joy. We placed our trust in the medical team, and of course, God. We always believed between her outstanding medical team, and God, Lyn had a chance to beat her disease.

In the last blog post, I wrote that we knew the situation was tough because we knew her medication had a finite period of effectiveness. We were approaching that time in which we were concerned. Clearly for Lyn, she was starting to shift her focus from healing, to being prepared for the end. As I wrote earlier, I did not have this same thought, and it was only in hindsight that I could see it.

One of her last journal entries, Lyn wrote:

“I will put my trust in Him. (Hebrews 2:13). The key to trust is acceptance—can you thank me for trusting you with this experience, even if I never tell you why? We all have our difficulties. And it is in them that allows our lights to shine for God.”

Lyn had clearly come to a point of acceptance, and she let her light to shine until her last breath. Her faith was simply amazing!

Toward the end of Lyn’s life, our focus shifted from healing, to providing love and comfort to her. My wife was in ICU for nearly two weeks before we brought her home, and I quickly found myself underequipped. I thought I was prepared to care for Lyn, but emotionally, and physically I simply realized I was overmatched! I was no medical professional, and I needed help. I was so thankful that my daughter came over to assist, because without her, I would not have been able to bridge the gap before we received the professional support we needed.

In order to provide Lyn with the best possible care, we decided to work with Hospice. However, it was a very difficult decision to work with Hospice at first, because I knew that this meant the end was likely to come soon. Lyn’s condition worsened very quickly, and I soon found myself completely ill-equipped to properly care for Lyn and her situation.

However, after Hospice started to support us, it provided much relief. We all wanted Lyn to be kept comfortable, and to be treated with the utmost dignity. Once Hospice started working with us, I had peace. Lyn was treated with such care, love, compassion, and dignity. While I knew this was likely nearing the end for her on this earth, I also felt relief.  I realized that reaching out to Hospice was not a lack of faith, but it was the right thing to do for the care of Lyn.

Since her passing I have talked to many people that are going through a similar situation that our family went through. I tell them that I waited far too long to reach out to Hospice, because it takes time to get things moving through the pipeline before care can be provided. One cannot simply call Hospice and ask them to come over.

There were many steps that needed to happen, such as a baseline medical assessment, and to get the proper medical equipment ordered, and delivered. Additionally, it takes time to get the Hospice doctors and nurses to be scheduled, and to come out to the home. I moved too slowly in this area and should have read between the lines to what the doctors were trying to tell me in the hospital. This is one reason why it is necessary to have trusted people around you, so those trusted friends can tell you what the doctors are trying to tell you. The doctors were trying to tell me that unless there was a miracle, we should be prepared to take her home, and have Hospice step in to assist.

Once we had decided to partner with Hospice, we needed to decide what level of Hospice care to go with. Generally, Hospice assumes all medical care, and they control medications and end of life care. However, the medical insurance we had, allowed two types of Hospice care. One type of care was to break from the medical team she had been working with for more than two years, and to allow Hospice to take total control of care going forward. She would be removed from any lifesaving efforts, or cancer treatment, and they would provide only comfort care to Lyn.

I struggled with turning over the reins to Hospice, because while Hospice was equipped to care for Lyn, we were still in discussions with her medical team to try and give her one more attempt on the targeted chemo pills in an effort to reduce the cancer, and shrink brain swelling. The hope was more about providing quality of life and comfort, than thoughts of healing. Therefore, after speaking with her oncologist, we went through our medical insurance to bring in Hospice to work directly with our team of doctors. This allowed Lyn’s oncologist the option to continue with cancer medication, while at the same time allowing Hospice to provide the care and comfort. It was the best decision for Lyn and our family.

Although choosing to bring in hospice was a difficult decision, it was the right decision for our family that brought Lyn the dignity she deserved. My only advice/regret is that I did not listen to the medical team earlier and that they were attempting to have us start the Hospice care the moment we brought her home. Bringing in the team earlier would not have changed the outcome, but it would have reduced the strain of thinking we were equipped to care for her. Additionally, connecting with Hospice earlier in the process would have allowed the family to focus on better quality time with Lyn, while at the same time having the true medical professionals to care for her.

We had many opportunities for family and close friends to come over while under hospice care. But I also made sure that I spent time alone with Lyn. These were special moments where I just talked to her, held her hand, brushed her hair, read the Bible to her, and prayed for peace, comfort, and the possible healing that only God could bring.

Although this time was full of grief, it was also a time in which I felt the presence of God, because I knew that once Lyn took her last peaceful breath, she would immediately be ushered into the presence of God. We had an amazing life together, and we were a family of love that supported one another. Lyn knew this love up to the very end. There was no greater peace than her knowing how much we loved her, she loved us, and that she was spending eternity with her Savior.

The second last quote that Lyn wrote in her journal states:

“I can let go to God. He knows what I can handle.” Amen.