I think most, if not all would agree that 2020 has not turned out remotely how we envisioned it would go. What started off as a hopeful new decade, has turned to worldwide struggle as we work through the pandemic. For me, 2019 was a rough year with my wife’s passing, and I was eager to turn the page to begin writing a new chapter. While my year has been full of amazing blessings, new beginnings, and new chapters being written, it has also brought about struggle and heartache for other reasons.
If you have read any of the previous 30 blog posts, a common theme that emerges is the idea of “moving forward” in life. In fact, blog #20 was titled, “Moving Forward.” While the sun rises each and every morning, and the calendar changes each month, I have further realized how little control I have in this life. Change happens, and it’s not always the desired change I want to see.
We all know people that have experienced grief due to the passing of a loved one, walked the painful journey with those suffering through the relentless pain of mental illness, helped someone attempting to pick up the pieces after divorce, or simply sitting silently with someone that has had a jolting life altering occurrence. Walking the path that I have walked over the past few years has made me acutely aware how many people are experiencing grief right now. Of course, the grief is different, and varies in degrees for each person, but the grief is real, and difficult.
Anytime there is pain, loss, and suffering, there is grief associated with it. When it happens to us personally, it brings on a flood of emotions, reflection, sadness, anger, fear, and anxiety. When my wife became ill in May 2017, I recall driving home from the hospital on night one, and I could not wrap my brain around the fact that Lyn had brain cancer. I was numb. It was an overwhelming feeling, and I could not imagine how our life was going to change.
I wondered what the future would look like, and I simply could not picture even the next day. Eventually we maneuvered through the uncharted waters and were able to figure it out. Life continued to march forward. Life always marches forward, and we decided immediately to move forward with a positive and hopeful attitude.
But both Lyn and I were determined that cancer would not control us, our decisions, and our attitude to enjoy life. While we could not control the disease, we immediately decided we would enjoy whatever time God granted. We treated each day like it could be the last day, and when the next day arrived, we kept that same approach.
When Lyn passed in 2019, that started the, “Year of Firsts,” that everyone must go through when there is someone that leaves us. It is a painful journey, and the grief simply hits you at times you cannot predict. I have described to people, “All my days are good…I just have moments in certain days where there is a little sadness and grief sprinkled in.”
However, my approach to moving forward in life has been the same as when Lyn was going through her cancer treatment. I have lived each day like it could be the last, and I am not allowing her passing, or the past to control me, my decisions, and my attitude for enjoying life. This is exactly the attitude and determination that Lyn had, and wanted to encourage this outlook in our family.
So, despite the past, and even the current state of our world, moving to 2020 has been a welcoming year for me as I continue to journey onward. June 13 marked the, “year of firsts,” in which we went through the 2019 holidays, a 30th anniversary, Mother’s Day, birthdays, and Valentine’s Day. However, one event that should have taken place during the first year was the wedding of my daughter.
Despite the passing of Lyn, we needed to move forward and celebrate a wedding. As a family we were ready to celebrate in April, however, the pandemic was an unexpected force that caused a wedding postponement. While the postponement was disappointing for my daughter and son-in-law, when the time came to move forward, everyone stepped up, and we had an amazing celebration. It was important to continue to live, and without a doubt, Lyn would have wanted us to continue, and enjoy that special day.
I recognize that for many, to think about having any celebration without their loved one is impossible to contemplate and may even feel disrespectful. My post is never to lay guilt, or point to a, “roadmap” to working through grief. No, each person has to chart that journey with the help of God, family, friends, counselors, and mentors. I can only write from the experiences Lyn and our family had as we walked through her battle, and subsequent pushing forward.
Lyn was very happy that she got to see our daughter become engaged, regardless of the fact that she knew there was the possibility of her not being physically present at the wedding. That was a difficult thought for me as I went through the end of 2018, and into 2019. But Lyn and I just kept moving forward in life, because that is all the control we had.
When Lyn passed in 2019, it left a hole for my daughter that I could not fill. As a dad, I simply could not pretend to be mom, and plan a wedding as a mom and daughter would plan. This created a sadness in me because I know a daughter looks forward to planning a wedding, and having mom there is part of the wedding joy. But, moving forward also includes continuing forward to plan and attend major life events, despite our loss. At the appropriate time, one must move forward by celebrating, laughing, and loving because that is what our loved one would want us to do.
We were blessed in that our family joined with my son-in-law’s family to participate in the beautiful wedding planning and pull off the event. We now have a larger family that was brought together first through tragedy, but now through a beautiful wedding as we saw two people unite.
As difficult as a decision it was for my daughter and son-in-law to postpone in April, when the wedding arrived three weeks ago, it was beautiful. It all came together. It was perfect! Lyn would have been very proud of my daughter’s decision to continue to plan a wedding after her passing. Additionally, she would have been pleased how the couple moved forward with a small, yet gorgeous backyard wedding to promote and support the health and safety during a pandemic.
The day was beautiful because the wedding was about two lovely people coming together before family, friends, and God to unite in marriage. It was about the coming together of two people, and less about an event. We had a small tribute table with pictures of Lyn, a candle, and her beautiful painted rocks with words of, “Joy,” “Peace,” “Prayer,” “Hope,” “Happy,”, and “Love.”
Those that knew Lyn, know that she was about the simple things in life, and not about a grand event. So, in many ways, this wedding would have been exactly the way that Lyn preferred it to be—intimate, meaningful, and full of love and laughter. My message (and Lyn’s) to others would be that as difficult as it is to continue to move forward, it is important to not allow the grief of the past to prevent you from celebrating, laughing and loving. I know Lyn wanted us to celebrate, and she would have been happy we are not allowing her passing, to stop living. One of her favorite rocks she painted says, “Enjoy Life Now!” We did, and we continue to do so.
God’s blessing upon you.