Just days ago, on April 21, it would have been my wife’s 52nd birthday. I cut roses from her rose garden in the backyard and took them to the cemetery. I went and purchased a birthday card and tucked two pieces of chocolate into the card. I took a chair to the cemetery and sat and listened to Lyn’s favorite music for a bit of time. It was peaceful, and I am thankful for the peace that God has given to me.
As a family, we came together to celebrate her day. It was a relaxing evening in which we had Lyn’s favorite meal. We didn’t make much of the “birthday” (as in celebration), but it was the type of evening that Lyn would have loved—us being together, sharing a meal, and laughing. It was important for us to come together because it is important to remember those things in life that made our family what it is, and to also serve as a reminder to keep moving forward.
This year was obviously different without Lyn not being physically present with us to celebrate. It was also different in that for the first time in 32 years I did not purchase a gift for Lyn. To be honest, it caused me to pause and think about my not purchasing a gift. I thought about what I would have gotten her on that day because even during her illness, gifts were important to us.
I have talked with many people that have lost loved ones, and the question of buying things comes up. Should we purchase furniture, remodel a house, buy a new car, shop for clothes, and even buy birthday and Christmas gifts? My simply answer to these friends has be a resounding, “YES!” I tell them from my humble perspective, you need to still celebrate.
For those I have talked to, there was the future financial concern. This is a thought that arises for some, that they don’t want their loved one spending money on “stuff,” especially if there was a terminal diagnosis. For others, they have told me they wanted to live as normally as they could, and they were going to enjoy all aspects of life, including spending money, celebrations, and gift-giving.
When Lyn started her treatment, we decided to continue to live as normally as possible. There were obvious concerns, such as keeping an emergency fund in case she would not be able to return to work. However, we decided to enjoy life, go on dates, and buy gifts for each other. We were rarely extravagant in our gifts; however, we maintained this love of giving something to each other. It always made us happy to give, and we both loved seeing the smile on each other’s face.
For Lyn and me it was mentally important to keep doing all the, “normal” things, that we enjoyed. Because there was so much “abnormal” about our new life that was centered around stroke recovery, and cancer treatment, we wanted things in our life which brought us joy, even if it was simple momentary happiness.
This week when my daughter and I went through my wife’s clothing, it brought a smile to our faces when we would run across an article of clothing that one of us purchased for her. While it was just a simple piece of clothing, we knew for that moment when Lyn opened the gift, and wore it, she enjoyed it! Knowing that Lyn enjoyed it and picturing her wearing it brought a smile to our faces.
In March 2019, Lyn and I went to Spring Training baseball in Arizona. We went to a number of games, and even purchased souvenirs, and desk trinkets. Purchasing mementos was our way of celebrating life and remembering our time together with something small. Today those trinkets sit in my office, and they bring a smile to my face.
My oldest son, Jordan, purchased a beautiful rose bush for Lyn last Mother’s Day. Lyn loved this gift and it meant a lot to her to see that beautiful red rose bush. As I planted a memorial rose garden for Lyn last weekend, that little rose bush sits front and center, and it brings a smile to my face.
We did not see purchases for Christmas, birthday, Mother’s Day, or any other special day as a waste. Purchasing gifts, trinkets, or whatever, generally brings only momentary happiness. However, in the case of Lyn’s cancer and stroke battle, it was not the gift, per se, as much as it was holding onto something tangible and comforting while everything else was swirling around. This was one thing we could control, and it made us happy. With her cancer battle, we took one day at a time, and simply tried to laugh, smile, and enjoy life.
Additionally, it is important for those of us on this side of sunshine to have some of these gifts, trinkets, and reminders of Lyn. It’s important to note that we do not worship these trinkets, and they are not the person, or even represent the person. These small remembrances are simply another way to be reminded of the person, and the enjoyment and smile they experienced.
We will all encounter rough and heart wrenching things in life. Every month I have friends that come to me for advice because they are going through rough times. My word of advice is to continue to live, laugh, and enjoy the little things in life that brings a smile to your face. As I continue to live and move forward in life, these small little treasures, that were once Lyn’s, are just materialistic things that will pass away someday.
However, these little treasures are special little blessings that remind us of her time here with our family. These little mementos, gifts, and trinkets still serve as a way to bring a smile to my face, warms my heart, and gives me happiness. It also reminds me to give thanks to God for even those little things in life that gives us peace and comfort.
Amen brother.