Creating Your Own Sunshine

Creating Your Own Sunshine

Happy New Year? As we move from one year to the next it’s natural for nearly all of us to greet people with, “Happy New Year.” For the majority, the start of the new year is filled with hope, anticipation, resolution, and positivity. However, for others, and especially those going through illness, or grief, the new year is just a date on a calendar. Everyone has that deep desire to make it a great year, but for those struggling, it is simply not easy to ignore the concerns of the day, because the struggle continues, no matter the month or year. The year may change, but the issues of yesterday still exist in most cases to the next day, or year.

Personally, going through the holidays during the years Lyn was sick (and even after), was rough, and while I wanted to celebrate like every other year, it wasn’t easy. I wanted to celebrate all the good things, and be positive, but it was difficult because there were hospitalizations, treatments, prescriptions, doctor visits, test results, and scheduling new appointments. It was like running on a treadmill with no off switch. So, when the calendar changed from one year to the next, the date was largely irrelevant. A new year was just a date. It marked history.  

However, what we learned was that while we had illness to deal with, we were determined not to allow cancer to steal any more of our time than possible. What we started to do was to make the most of every day and opportunity, because there were no guarantees about the future. I’ve written previously that we knew we could not control the disease, so we did not want to waste time allowing the disease to dictate the outlook of the day. Cancer was a huge cloud, and we were determined to create sunshine in our lives by carrying on as “normally” as possible.

It is important to note, that I am not asserting that people need to fake being happy. We live in a world where people are going through depression, stress, and grief, but are encouraged to put on a smile, and pretend everything is okay. But I can absolutely say, we were truly happy, so it was not about putting on a smile for family and friends. We were not trying to create the illusion that everything was okay. Things were not okay. Lyn had one of the deadliest forms of cancer, and while we remained positive, there were plenty of days when there were tears, bargaining with God, and trying to pluck out the one positive in an MRI that was mostly full of negative results.

Creating sunshine was more about being aware that every day was a gift, and although there were storm clouds that were occasionally there in our life, we tried our best to move those clouds out by remembering that our most important priorities in life were (in order of importance):

• Our faith/relationship with God
• Our family (and marriage/commitment)
• Our friends
• Our work

We were determined to keep the number one priority the number one issue. While some would ask, “What about the cancer battle. Where does that rank?” Well, that is tough. That is a hard thing to categorize, and while I would love to say my list of priorities were always solid, that is not the truth. I guess, if I had to place a number or rank it, it would be 4b or 5. 

On occasion, cancer would become number one, and it was all we could see in that moment. However, when we did this, we were quick to recognize that we needed to push it back down and keep our priorities in proper order. When one of them got out of whack, that is when we felt the stress, and saw the storm clouds were surrounding us. When one priority jumped atop another, that is when we felt out of control in all areas.

We could not allow cancer to rise to the level of number one, because it was not. It was not the top priority because it was something we could not control. Therefore, we simply made it a daily part of our life, and something we needed to manage. We had to make it a part of life like eating, drinking, exercising, and sleeping. This was not easy.

All this being said, I have to be honest that we sacrificed many nights of sleep, eating properly, and exercising regularly because cancer took so much of our time. It was rough to balance it all, and while we did our best, we certainly did not have all the answers to managing perfect balance. Sometimes things were just off, and the storm clouds were present. But it was in those times that we regrouped as a family and created our own sunshine to brighten the day.

Those that have gone through illness, grief, depression, worry, or guilt, fully understand how rough it can be just to find balance in life. There is such a thin line between being positive, and hopeful, and having feelings of despair, worry, and being out of control. Many times, I went back and forth between feeling in control, and feeling worried. But with the help of my family, friends, and faith, they helped steer us back to our list of the five most important priorities.

Now that I am on this side of things, and that I am living a more, “normal” life, I can see things that I would have done differently and changed. My priorities would be the same, but I would have managed my life a bit differently. When I write, “normal” life, what I mean is that I am not focused on the illness, medications, appointments, treatments, and death. I am in the stage of being able to reflect, and hopefully pass along thoughts, feelings, and perhaps a bit of advice and hope.

As you continue in your journey, or if you are walking the road along with someone, it is important to remember that there will be storm clouds, and even the storm. Even in Lyn’s darkest of times, and when she knew things may not go the way she wanted (to be healed) she worked daily at parting the clouds and having the ray of sunshine ever present. There were numerous times she told me, “Jeff, between my treatments, I sometimes forget I have cancer.” As a caregiver and spouse this was beautiful to hear, and it gave me peace as well. She could have focused on just the cancer, and made that her priority, but she chose to focus on that which she could control: Faith, marriage, family, and friends. For her, enjoying life was her way of creating sunshine! This made all the difference, and it helped her enjoy every day she had in this world. I try to carry on this list of priorities. I fail many times, but I try to remind myself that during one of the most difficult and challenging times in life, it was keeping those priorities that helped us create sunshine in the midst of the storm.