Eternity

More than two years ago, I sat and outlined my blog. This is blog 36. Out of all the posts in the outline, this was the one post that I did not know if I would be able to write, or if I even wanted to share the information. Death is painful because it leaves a permanent void in our lives. Lyn always told me, “I don’t want to waste my cancer.” She wanted her journey to be shared, because it was her hope that others would find strength in her journey, her faith in Christ, and her eternal outlook. Simply put—she loved people and wanted to have a positive impact in the lives she was fortunate to know. 

She obviously wanted to live, and to beat this horrible disease, but in the end, if she did not beat it here on earth, her eternity with God was secure. Therefore, she wanted to live with purpose! She wanted to keep moving forward despite her health complications, and invest time in our family, and friends. She did that, and did it until the very end. 

She is still impacting lives, because it was Lyn that wanted her journey shared in a blog. So, after a lot of contemplation, and personal struggle, I decided to share a bit of the end, because it is part of her journey, and also our journey as a family in working through her passing, grief, and continued healing.

Much of the two-plus years of Lyn’s cancer battle, and stroke recovery was very scripted in that we had a regular schedule for medications, doctor appointments, radiation, procedures and even travel. However, this was the part when Lyn and I often reminded one another (and our family) that we had no control over cancer. Once we reached this very critical stage of her battle, it was completely unscripted, and we were just reacting to the daily changes. All we knew, that short of a miracle, our time with her on this side of sunshine was going to be brief.

I discussed with my children that they needed to take every opportunity to say anything that they wanted to say, because with her illness, there was no guarantee that any of us would be there at the moment she went to be with the Lord. Over the two-plus year journey, Lyn expressed to me, our children, family, and friends, how much we all meant to her. She used her words, and also acts of kindness to show how much she loved all of us. We took amazing trips together, she watched our boys play baseball, painted with our daughter, took trips with friends, and sewed aprons and painted beautiful rocks to give as gifts. We all made sure she understood how much we loved her right up to the end, and she made it crystal clear she loved us.

I knew everything about her cancer and stroke, but when it came to the end, and what it would be like, it was simply too overwhelming to comprehend. To comprehend that this beautiful soul, that I had spent more than 32 years of life with, would not be there to share the next day with me, was beyond comprehension. The feeling was numbing.

Death, while very public in some ways, is still very private in other ways, because usually only family knows the details. I am obviously keeping many details private, and in fact, this is my fifth version of this post. Writing it, and deciding what to include was a difficult process. But, in thinking back on conversations with Lyn, and her desire to not waste her cancer, I decided to share this post. Lyn was determined to share about her life, and story, and I know without a doubt, she would approve. 

Second Timothy 4:7-8 states, “I have fought the good fight. I have finished the race. I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me a crown of righteousness which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that day.”

Lyn fought the good fight, and at the time in which we were all alone, I prayed, read the Bible, shared stories about our life, and the life of our family. In the end, Lyn was at peace, ready to meet God, and to be eternally healed. One major reason she was at peace was because we shared and communicated so openly about her journey and illness.

Throughout her journey, and leading up to the end, communication and honesty were incredibly important to Lyn, and our family. Honest communication actually calms the fears of the person who is ill, and also for family members. Some disagree with honest communication because they see it as negative energy that blocks healing. So, in essence what many believe, is that by speaking only positive thoughts, this will bring healing. In our journey, we realized it was not merely about positive thoughts, and to think God or the universe had somehow given us the power or authority over cancer was misguided. Of course, we had a role in the process, but it was a very minor role when it came to beating the disease.

Without a doubt, we wanted to be positive, because positivity promotes hope. Hope in itself has positive energy, and this hope can promote healing as it impacts attitude. But in dealing with stress, having honest conversation, also has power, and can promote healing as well. Pretending something is not real only builds up stress in the patient, and that is not healthy.

Lyn was the most even-keeled person I have ever met, and through her illness, she remained just as balanced. Much of her balance came through understanding the cancer beast she was fighting. Pretending it did not exist, or thinking that she (or others) just needed to be positive, would not have helped her beat the cancer alone. She knew it took God + attitude + medical teams + medication + therapy to have a fighting chance to beat it here on earth.

As mentioned in previous blogs, we were positive that she had a fantastic medical team, and cutting-edge medication/treatment, but in the end, it was all of this, combined with God’s healing power that might defeat the cancer. I spoke positivity to Lyn, and always tried to find a silver lining in a negative situation—and there were plenty. But it is important for me to state that I was not a good luck charm for Lyn, and there was no power or authority within my words, mind, body, heart, or prayers that would heal her. 

Lyn knew it was up to the Lord if healing would occur in this life. She appreciated this honest talk because she was already pondering her mortality. Not talking about the illness, and even the negative possibilities, such as death, actually causes more worry and stress for those battling. Lyn knew she could be healed, but she also knew it was possible she would not be healed in this life. She was working through her relationship with God, family, friends, and asking questions of her life-purpose, mortality, and eternity. In the end, she was completely at peace, because we conversed so honestly. It helped prepare her for the end. Her being at peace, and being so transparent, also helped prepare me for the end, and took the fear of death out of me. Her illness forced me to deal with my own mortality as well. Lyn impacted even me!

Toward the end, I sat beside her, and I unpacked our entire life in a short amount of time. I talked about happy memories, stories of our children, and the remarkable life we had together. I fought back emotion and tears as I read Psalm 23. I could tell Lyn was at peace, and she was ready to meet God. I told her she was the most amazing spiritual woman, mother, and spouse. I told her one last time how much I loved her, how much our children loved her, and we know she loved us. 

Saying goodbye was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It took every ounce of strength to say goodbye to Lyn. I had been with this woman from 1987, until the time she took her last breath. I sat there thinking that she would somehow rebound, but quickly realized that it was not possible. But my mind had difficulty accepting this fact of reality. Once she passed, it was impossible to grasp what had just happened. It was surreal. Things happened so quickly that I was in disbelief. 

Shortly after, I was surrounded by family, and we supported one another the best we could. This was something we could not fully prepare for. It was not the ending that any of us imagined. We knew Lyn was in the presence of God, but it was incredibly painful, and it felt unreal. 

I was thankful for our family at the time of her passing, and while we were in deep grief, and disbelief, we felt the support of one another, and the peace that only God can provide. While we are approaching two and a half years since Lyn’s passing, and while the grief process continues, time has a way of healing the wounds. It gives us amazing peace knowing that Lyn is healed, that her story lives on, and she is with the Lord for all eternity. 

I hear from readers of the blog on a monthly basis how a specific point in a blog has helped them, or a loved one work through the grief process. Lyn would be well pleased that her journey and passing continues to help and strengthen others.