Five Years: Life is Beautiful

It has been a year since I have written an article. It is not due to a lack of desire, or a lack of possible topics, but more due to the amazing and beautiful things happening in life. Our family surpassed the five-year point since Lyn’s passing. We just went through the sixth Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years since Lyn passed away. Since that time, so much has changed. One reason I am writing now is because it is important to reflect on life, and to realize all that has been learned. Reflection helps one determine areas of personal growth, and personal healing. Reflection also points to areas where I still need to grow and heal. 

Grief is a process that cannot be ignored, or pretend that it does not exist, or you simply will not start the healing process. Everyone going through loss, must go through their own unique grief and healing process. If you read my past articles, you will notice a variety of topics, including what life was like immediately after, but also, what life was like at the one-year point. I have also interwoven common themes, or revisited thoughts. One topic I interweave through many articles is about the importance of moving forward in life. This has been a message and theme I have continued to stress, because it was such an important theme for our family.

As previously noted, I prefer to use the term, “moving forward” rather than moving-on. One reason is because moving forward was the term that Lyn used so many times when she was going through her cancer treatment. Secondly, at this point, we have realized that we are never going to simply “move-on,” because the feeling of loss, and grief will always be a part of our family, and it’s okay. Embrace grief, because it reminds you that you have lost something truly treasured. It is okay to still talk about the person you lost. You can still laugh, tell stories, and cry. I have so many friends, and close family members that lost someone, and I love hearing their stories of the person. This is healthy!

Therefore, moving forward is our way of acknowledging and recognizing that we have experienced tremendous loss, that we will always think about Lyn, and that we will always feel a bit of heartache when anniversaries, birthdays, and major life events come up on the calendar. However, at this five-year point, we have moved forward, and despite loss, life is beautiful. But, as a reminder, I can only speak to that which I have experienced. I have a number of friends that are in the early months of losing a loved one, and the grief is deep, and painful. For them, this past holiday season was simply an exercise to make it through, so they could turn the calendar to the next year.

In the five-plus years since Lyn’s passing, I have had one question asked more than any other question. Many have asked, “would you rather go through the process of seeing someone losing the battle, suffer, and eventually pass, or, would you prefer for the passing to be instant.” Again, this is impossible for me to answer for anyone else, or for anyone’s family. For our family, Lyn’s desire was to battle and try to defeat her cancer. The patient’s desire and wishes should always come first. Had Lyn said, “I know the odds, and I don’t want to fight,” we would have respected her wishes. But she wanted to battle, and therefore, the question people ask is too complex to give a blanket answer that fits all situations. I completely understand the decision of some friends that chose not to go through treatment, and death came much quicker for them. In the end, weather the passing came quickly, or over months or years, the result is the same—pain, grief, struggle, questions, tears, anguish, loneliness, and many other feelings and emotions.

However, despite all the pain and grief, after five years, I can say that time does bring healing. It is a process to work through loss and grief. In the five-plus years since her passing, we have indeed moved forward as a family. I was able to find love a second time, and marry an amazing woman. Together we have enjoyed blending our two families. Two of my three children went on to get married, and we have two new grandchildren! My youngest is now engaged. My two stepchildren are incredible. One is a young professional, and the other will soon graduate from an outstanding university. Both of my stepchildren are fantastic and caring people. So, life has continued to move forward, and it is beautiful, just as Lyn would have wanted to see.

I have many amazing things happening in life, but after Lyn’s passing, it wasn’t always amazing. It has been a process that has taken many years to unfold. Therefore, your journey is very personal and unique. While I firmly believe that it is possible for everyone going through personal struggle, deep pain, and stages of grief to get to a place of beauty, it takes time. 

Something I suggest to those going through grief is to invite others with similar experiences into your world. Having conversations with those that have gone through similar experiences can help you unpack what you are going through. Simply talking, and sharing stories helps tremendously. A second suggestion is to consider grief counseling. Sometimes it is impossible to work through issues on our own. Counseling is a good resource that may help you walk through feelings you cannot work through on your own. 

While your life may currently be a true struggle, given time, the wounds begin to heal. Will they ever completely heal? I cannot answer that, because I can firmly assert that for me, it’s been five years, and there is still pain, grief, and heartache. Some wonder if there is pain, grief, and heartache, how can I assert that life is beautiful. How can life be both beautiful, yet at the same time be full of emotions that are paired with death? My answer is because God has given us the ability to experience the full array of emotions. 

How can a family sit and cry about losing a loved one, but in the next minute be telling funny stories where everyone is crying with laughter? Because we can. Many of us have seen this or experienced it! It is completely possible that one can reflect on the past hurt, and at the same time remember such joyful times with our loved one. It is a gift we have been given that we can experience the full array of emotions, so that we can heal our wounds by remembering the joyful times. 

But even though time can and will heal wounds, there will be pain. There will be dark days. There will be many tears shed. But, speaking from personal experience, there will be amazing and beautiful days ahead to those that continue to move forward.

Blessings upon you as you go through your personal journey.