Grieving Through Anniversaries and Milestones

I do. These two simple words were the most important words I ever said to my wife. The pastor asked, “Jeff, if you take Lyn to be your wife, please repeat by saying I do?” My answer to the question was obviously, “I do” I wasn’t an idiot! I was a very lucky man. As many have said to me, “Jeff, you married up.” I sure did. Lyn was a catch for me.

I first saw Lyn in a picture on her father’s desk in early 1986. The picture was Lyn’s senior portrait. She was finishing high school, but her father had already moved to become a pastor at the church I attended. I told the story at her Celebration of Life service that when I saw her picture, I told the person I was with, “I’m going to need to get to know her.” It was attraction at first sight, and somehow, I knew I would end up with her.

When I said, “I do” those were the most important words I could say. Saying “I do” was even more important than saying, “I love you,” because “I do” encompasses everything, including commitment, devotion, protection, companionship, passion, and love rolled into those two simple words.

This post has less to do with cancer and Lyn’s journey, and more about our life-journey together. On November 18, 1989 we were united in marriage. Today marks exactly thirty years since Lyn and I were married and became a team. Thirty years ago, was the day when we professed before God and our witnesses our unending and unfailing love and commitment for each other. That day would be the day in which we vowed to each other, “I am sticking with you no matter what!” And we did. Being a team during her cancer battle was so important. Lyn told me hundreds of times during her battle what a great team we were.

Building up to this special day has been extremely difficult since this was also the year I was going to have us renew our vows, and recommitment to one another. What I have done instead is recommit my devotion to her legacy by telling as many people about her faith in God, her beautiful love for others, and telling her story through this blog.

When a loved one passes away, the first year is marked with what many call the “firsts.” It has been just over five months since Lyn’s passing and there are so many firsts. Each one is very odd, and many times emotional. Even going to church for the first time without Lyn was rough. I sat on the side away from everyone and teared up on every song. I still find myself simply overcome with emotion when there is a song that was special to us.

I went through the first Fourth of July holiday and simply wanted to sit at home. I experienced the first fall drive to see the changing colors and smiled as I recalled last year when she would saw a red or yellow tree and respond with, “OH GOSH, so beautiful.” Lyn loved the majesty of God’s creation.

My partner was beside me for just about everything over the past thirty years of marriage, and an additional two years as we dated and were engaged. Therefore, I am experiencing almost weekly “firsts” and it cuts into me very deeply.

For those left on this side of sunshine, seemingly everything is marked by an anniversary. I recall twenty-four hours after Lyn’s passing I was thinking, “Well, it’s been a day.” I went through several milestone moments, such as when it was a week, and a month after her passing. I am not exactly sure why I marked each milestone, but in talking with others, they did the same thing. I suppose it is a way to mark loss and living without our loved one.

I have known our thirty-year anniversary was coming up and I have been wondering how I would feel. Leading up to this day has been heavy for some time. I tried to plan what I would do. I thought about taking the family on a vacation. I thought about a party in Lyn’s honor and have people tell stories. I can honestly say that the week leading up to this day has been emotional, and I have struggled with anger and frustration over the most ridiculous things. Thankfully I have been able to recognize this is part of my grief process.

I wish Lyn was here to celebrate this day with me, but she is not, and it is painful. I have had a few great friends tell me about their experience after their loved one passed away. Two friends lost their spouse, and one lost a child. In hearing their stories, each of them has different depths of grief, but the one item each has in common with my story is that anniversaries and milestones are especially difficult. Even extremely simple milestone markers are filled with deep grief and it can hit me without notice.

To remember Lyn on this special day I decided to be with my children and go to dinner. Lyn was ALWAYS about the food over flowers. Do not get me wrong, Lyn loved picking up fresh flowers every Sunday to display in our home. But Lyn loved a good meal more than flowers! That’s my girl. Therefore, tonight we will dine and have a toast in her honor.

Although my love is now in eternity with God, I am blessed to have such sweet memories, and three amazing children that are honoring their mother by living a good life. I thank the Lord for giving us nearly thirty years of marriage. Although this anniversary is painful, I can still smile because I have the assurance that I will see her again one day.