It’s Okay to Move Beyond Tears and Emotion

Since my first post in 2019, my desire has been to post thoughts pertaining to me and our family), and to never come across as an expert on grief, to tell others how to feel, or what they should be doing. Everyone’s story is unique, it is therefore very personal. As such, we all experience loss, grief and healing differently. Many times, grief and emotions hit without warning. One minute we are going about our day with no emotions, and the next moment there is something that triggers the grief that brings on tears, depression, or even anger. 

However, I have also learned that even in grief, it does not mean that I show emotions, or that I cry, or that I am down or depressed. Yes, those times happen, but those have become the exception, rather than the daily experience. In my case, time has healed wounds. Sometimes my grief looks like great emotion, and sometimes it looks like laughter. 

Over the years I have talked to hundreds of people that have gone through loss. I have networked with others writing blogs, books, and articles about loss and grief. I have spoken to podcasters, and grief counselors about loss and the process of moving forward. I follow many on social media that share honest and raw emotions and invite thousands into their journey as they tell their story. Many that I follow do not hide or sidestep their daily struggle. 

One thing I have noticed from all these that share, is that there is no right or wrong way to go through the grief and healing process. This does not stop with the loss of a loved one, but grief in general. We grieve because of loss, but we also grieve because there are wounds from something that hurt us. These wounds can come from death, abuse, heartbreak, or painful experiences.

It is important for me to note, that grief is not just emotions. Grief is much more than tears or sadness. The Mayo Clinic defines grief in two ways, “normal grief,” and “complicated grief.”

The Mayo Clinic wrote, “Losing a loved one is one of the most distressing and, unfortunately, common experiences people face. Most people experiencing normal grief and bereavement have a period of sorrow, numbness, and even guilt and anger. Gradually these feelings ease, and it’s possible to accept loss and move forward.

For some people, feelings of loss are debilitating and don’t improve even after time passes. This is known as complicated grief, sometimes called persistent complex bereavement disorder. In complicated grief, painful emotions are so long lasting and severe that you have trouble recovering from the loss and resuming your own life.“

Source: The Mayo Clinic https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/complicated-grief/symptoms-causes/syc-20360374

Personally, moving forward in life, and moving through grief is not about forgetting about the pain from my loss. It’s also not just about the emotions, or because I cry less, or feel less emotion that I am “better.” Because better does not mean healed or cured from grief. Grief lurks in the background, and it is with us for an undefined period of time, and for some, forever. As pointed out in the Mayo Clinic explanation, “Gradually these feelings ease, and it’s possible to accept loss and move forward.”

The Mayo Clinic article pointed out that through time, or through working with tools such as counseling, it can help people come to terms with loss and arrive to a sense of acceptance and peace. For me, it was not the point of “accepting loss”, moreover, it was overcoming the guilt I was feeling. I felt the loss, and the grief associated with loss, but it went much deeper than that. I also had a bit of survivor’s guilt, and the thoughts that I could have, and should have done more to help Lyn.

I finally reached peace when I realized that I did all I could do, because I had no control over the cancer. Once I reached this point, I could truly feel a peace in my daily life. Yes, the grief was still there, but my emotions were more like they were prior to her passing. I still get emotional in certain moments, however, over time, even these emotions have subsided. I reached the point where I realized it was okay to move beyond tears and emotion. But this was not an easy process, and in-fact bothered me for a period of time.

While my emotions subsided, and brought peace, for others I have spoken with, the subsiding of emotions or feeling sad is distressing. For some, there is the reminder that their loved one has passed, and therefore, how can they feel peace. They have explained it to me as feeling guilty.

Some I have spoken with, experience this additional layer of guilt because they feel they should be more emotional or grief-stricken. I can relate to this, because at times when I have gone to the cemetery it has been very emotional (especially initially). However, as life has continued, there have been many times where I go to take flowers, and there are no emotions. Many times, there are no tears. In speaking with others, this is one of those moments of guilt, because there is the thought that their love, or their memory of the person they lost has somehow been reduced or has faded. This is far from the truth. It usually means that someone is progressing through the grief process and is healing. It is healthy and good.

Once I could experience peace, and realized I did all I could do, I was able to stop feeling guilty. Now, I understand that it’s okay not to cry. For me, the love is the same, but it is just a step in the healing process because I am at peace. My tears have been replaced with smiles and laughs. This is a good thing! In fact, I am quite sure that Lyn would want to see her family smiling about the good memories, love, and laughter. 

There are many times in which I have a smile, a chuckle, or even a laugh while talking to others about Lyn, or her journey. When memories pop up on social media, they bring a smile to my face, laughter, or a warm feeling. There were plenty of stressful times, but there were also some truly funny moments that we had with Lyn. Even Lyn laughed at herself at times while in cancer treatment, and speech therapy. Not to mention, I had more than 32 years together with her, and we had many hilarious moments as a family. It is those times that bring a smile to my face, and to the faces of my family.

But there are many people that are not at the place I am. There are many people where a loved one passed fifteen years ago, and in speaking with them, it is almost as fresh as yesterday. As you grieve, the feelings that come to you are your feelings. It is part of the healing process, and if you feel like you need to cry, yell, or laugh, they are your expressions to what you are feeling inside. There is no formula, or a twelve-step process of how one must feel when they are going through the process of grief and healing. 

In speaking with people that have been working through their process for some time, I talk with so many that struggle with feelings of guilt because they do not know how they should feel. These people have thoughts like, “Why don’t I cry like I used to?” Others think, “What is wrong with me? Others in my family seem to be doing so much better.” When it comes to grief recovery, it is not a group process. Yes, there are grief recovery groups, however, that is a tool to help one recognize the individual journey that every person in the group is going through. 

But everyone is at different stages because everyone experiences loss differently. I have heard calloused comments from people, such as, “They just need to get help and move on from the past.” That thinking is not only naïve, it’s also not the way it works in the grief recovery process.

Do I still have tears? Of course! But life now is comprised of a mixture of tears, smiles, sweet memories, a thankfulness that I had a wonderful life with Lyn, and I am writing and experiencing a new chapter in life with an amazing new spouse. Through her I learned that “Love is not pie.” Unlike pie, love isn’t restricted to only eight slices! Love is endless. I can be thankful for the love in my past, and for the love I am experiencing now. But again, I always want to remind readers that this is my journey, and the timing in my life is likely to be much different for others.

Speaking from my personal experience, time has indeed changed my emotions and feelings. I have been able to move beyond tears in the grief process. Moving through grief has been a transformative and evolutionary process where I have gone through the full slate of emotions, and guilty feelings. However, by going through the emotions it has enabled me to write and speak to others that are going through similar struggles. 

The sharing of the story or inviting others into our journey is why This Side of Sunshine exists. It is to not only help me through my life journey, and struggles, but to perhaps aid someone as they are in their personal journey through grief and healing. We all have a story, and when we share our stories and our struggles, we can move through tears and emotion, and toward greater healing and happiness.