Joy Comes in the Morning

When there is deep loss, and one is in the midst of grief, it is difficult to imagine a time in which you will feel normal again. Everyone that experiences loss, also experiences grief of varying degrees. Lyn’s illness, passing, and the grief that ensued, changed me forever. Since 2017, I have intentionally sought out and talked to scores of people that have either lost someone or are in the midst of the pain in seeing a loved one struggling with an illness. And when referring to “illness”, I am not merely referring to cancer, because no matter the illness, it is all pain that brings struggle and grief.

There are so many people I have met that have not only lost loved ones to illness, but some through an accident, or suicide. I have met many that are haunted by past domestic violence incidences or watching their loved one suffer through mental health issues, and they are trying to just help them make it through another day in hope that tomorrow will bring healing. In speaking with people over the last number of years, I have realized loss is loss, and all medical illness brings stress and grief. 

I have learned to pay attention to those around me that are on a journey that is painful. It is perhaps a different path than I had to walk, but they are almost parallel paths that may never intersect unless I find a way to start a dialog or find a way to encourage them.  It is impossible for someone to know exactly how another person feels, or the depth of pain or grief. Therefore, I just try to be an encouragement, and to meet them where they are in their journey. I have attempted to use my story (our family story) to be an encouragement, and to show that the story does not end with death or loss. The story will continue, and I am a believer that Lyn’s story, my story, the story of our family, and the stories of other people that have suffered loss can be used for something great in this life. Our lives and stories may have different details, but we are all on a journey. As stated previously, Lyn (and our family) wanted to use her terrible illness for something positive.

In my journey (and that of our family), we were fortunate in that there was time to process Lyn’s illness, look at treatment options, speak with experts, strategize a plan, and move forward in life. However, for others, loss is immediate, and there is no opportunity to say goodbye. In our case, while we had hope that Lyn would be able to beat her cancer, it was not to be. Yet, as painful as it was to see Lyn struggle and suffer, we were all so thankful we had the opportunity to walk beside her, encourage her, fight for her, and love her to the very end.

As written in previous posts, there is no way to truly prepare for the end until the end comes. When the end comes, your mind plays tricks on you, and it is almost impossible to accept, grasp, or believe. With the passing of a spouse, there is an instant loneliness, despite family and friends being present. I could hear the conversations of family in the room; however, it was without focusing or truly hearing the conversations. In the early days of Lyn’s passing, I honestly cannot recall a single conversation, or discussion because I was in my own world of grief and disbelief.

After Lyn passed away, I began to let extended family know of our heartache. These were difficult and painful calls to make because it was like reliving her passing over and over. Additionally, these people I called were people I loved. They were also going through the pain of losing Lyn too, and I wanted to be able to provide comfort to them as well. I found this very difficult. 

I was obviously most concerned about my children. Although my children are all adults, and they were innately aware of Lyn’s cancer, the journey, treatments, and the possibility of death, it was different once Lyn passed. Being aware of her illness and accepting the possibility of death is such a leap from the actual passing. We pulled together as family and supported one another the best we could, but we knew there were going to be many sad days ahead.

On that first night, I recall when everyone went home, and I was in our family room alone. I was sitting in my familiar spot watching TV without really focusing on what program was airing. I looked at Lyn’s normal spot on the sofa, and just expected her to walk in and take her seat. I would look over at her seat, and just shake my head by saying, “I cannot believe you are gone.” However, even though I was verbalizing loss, I could not fully grasp the void in my life.

I dreaded going to bed because I knew it would be a difficult night. To have someone next to you for nearly 30 years, and then in an instant to not have that person there was beyond strange. There were waves of emotions, tears, and gut-wrenching sobs. I awoke frequently and would reach out to an empty side of the bed. This first night was horribly lonely. All I could do was to pray and ask God for his comfort, and to give me the peace that only he could give. God delivered. 

There is a Bible verse the “…weeping may stay for the night, but joy comes in the morning.” (Psalm 30 v. 5). While working through loss and grief is a long process, what this verse meant to me was that joy will be found, given time. There will be much weeping, and in my private times I wondered if the tears would ever cease. I have learned that some tears will always be there, but many of the tears are now filled with the joy of good memories, and my current blessings in life.

In speaking with others that have lost significant others, children, friends, partners, and spouses, the joy comes, but the time it takes varies with each person, and the depth of the pain. Unfortunately, there is no shortcut through pain and grief. But, as I wrote many months ago, I see grief differently now. Grief is good for me. Grief reminds me that I truly lost something irreplaceable. I lost something priceless, and therefore, it should hurt. I remind myself how sad it would be not to grieve what we have lost. For me, grief is a gift, and through my grief, the joy came as I continued to move forward in life. For me, the joy truly came in the morning. The tears are still there at times. But I have more smiles, chuckles, and laughter as I recount the good moments with Lyn.

Those reading this, we all have this opportunity to walk beside someone that is going through a journey of struggle. It might be using your life experience because you went through pain and struggle many years ago. For others, life may be good for you, and you have the energy and ability to walk beside someone by giving an encouraging word that may help them push through the difficult moment. For our journey, we tried to take it day by day. We appreciated those in our life that helped us make it through those difficult times. The joy comes in the morning, but we just don’t know what morning that will be. But rest assured, given time, that joy will eventually come. Blessings upon you.