Moving Forward

It was just one year ago when my wife and I sat down and had a deep discussion about life and moving forward. From the very beginning of her cancer, to the very end we were always very open about her cancer, how she was doing, feeling, and discussing the future. One of the phrases we often said to each other was, “Well, it is what it is.” We were now twenty months into her illness and treatment and there were weighty decisions that were going to be made shortly.

Lyn led the conversation, and said to me, “Jeffy, we need to keep moving forward.” We had often talked about moving forward despite having a disease that was as life-threatening as hers. As mentioned in previous writings, we vacationed, planned for retirement, did home improvement projects, and spent significant time with family and friends.

We wanted to continue to enjoy life, however, at the time of our discussion, Lyn had been feeling that I had put the, “Moving forward,” part of life on hold while caring for her. My main focus was Lyn’s cancer battle and trying to keep her body stable, so she could continue treatment. Simply put, I was not too concerned with the little things in life, so what she said had merit.

In our conversation, Lyn told me that she wanted me to, “go buy those golf clubs,” I had talked about buying. She wanted me to get out and play more golf with friends. Lyn wanted me to try and promote at work and add to my career. Near the end of our conversation, Lyn became emotional and sat there for a few seconds. She looked at me and said, “Jeffy, you do an awesome job caring for me—I want you to care for you!” As she was saying this she was choked up. We were both choked up.

We did not get emotional that often, but when she was upset, it impacted me deeply. At the time I did not really understand why we were having the conversation because she was somewhat stable in her treatment. It had been about a year since Lyn had been hospitalized, and while her cancer was like a powerful slow-moving avalanche, we managed to keep her out of danger. We always knew the cancer was there, and it was relentless, but her medication and treatment were trying to hold it back.

Therefore, in all honesty, promoting for work was simply not important to me at that time. I could also get the golf clubs and play anytime. From my perspective, we were still moving forward. In fact, I felt we were living the best possible life under the circumstances. However, Lyn was not only thinking about moving forward in the present, she was focusing on the future for me. She was thinking I might need to keep moving forward without her, which I did not comprehend.

Unfortunately, while I could not imagine moving forward without Lyn, she had the foresight to have us focus on moving forward, even though I did not see it until many months after her passing.

It is obvious to me now that Lyn was starting to realize that she had been on her cancer medication for a very long time, and we were approaching the point where the doctor was going to change her medication. The window of her being on her particular medication was approximately 12-18 months before it loses effectiveness. That window was starting to close, and the doctor could tell the medication was starting to lose its effectiveness.

Lyn’s cancer was relentless. She had major victories where the lung cancer was consistently improving. Additionally, Lyn had scans about every six to twelve weeks and the cancer had not spread to any additional areas. However, the brain was a significant concern because she had approximately thirty-five cancer spots radiated already, and the cancer just kept coming.

Lyn always felt that she could be healed by her medication, and of course by the hand of God. However, we both recognized that it was out of our control. Therefore, while Lyn never came out and said, “Jeffy, you might have to move forward in life without me,” it is clear that this was something she contemplated. While Lyn told me, “We need to keep moving forward,” what she actually meant was, “Jeffy, you need to keep moving forward.”

Moving forward has been difficult in many ways. There was a guilt in me for even contemplating moving forward. The thinking for me was that moving forward was selfish. For a few months after her passing, I felt if I moved forward it was somehow disrespecting or erasing the thirty-two years of memories and pushing her away.  

It was not until I could unpack my conversation with Lyn that I started to realize she wanted me to keep moving forward. I started small by playing a bit more golf and going to happy hour with friends after work. I have taken many day hikes and taken some day trips with dear friends. I have gone on many walks with trusted friends and had amazing and deep conversations about life.

What remained difficult was contemplating a vacation alone. I could not fathom doing a trip solo. However, I finally realized that I either needed to move forward and go alone, or I simply was not going to be traveling. The fact is that I am now a single person, and that is my new normal. Moving forward is not just about experiences—it’s about coming to terms that things are just different.

For the first time since Lyn passed away I am taking a trip by myself. In fact, as I write this post, I am on my trip. While planning the trip, I did not think it would be difficult until I actually started to make the plans. While for nine years I traveled alone for work, I cannot recall anytime traveling alone for vacation. It is simply foreign to me. It has been uncomfortable. It has been lonely. It has been emotional. It has also been the thing I needed to do. It is healthy.

Moving forward is an important step in the grief process. It was important for Lyn and me to plan, set goals, and continue to dream. If you recall from a previous writing, Lyn painted the rock with the words, “Enjoy Life Now!”

The process of moving forward through the grief process is different for everyone. I have friends where the process has been very difficult. The original reason Lyn wanted to do a blog was to help people through the grief process and be able to move forward.

When Lyn passed away it was difficult for me to smile, laugh, have a good time, or to contemplate going on vacation. I thought, “How can I think about moving forward, or laughing when my spouse passed away!” But moving forward in life is important for those of us on this side of sunshine if we want to heal.

Approximately four months after Lyn passed away I realized Lyn would have wanted me to move forward by laughing, going on vacation, and spending time with people. One of the best ways to honor Lyn is to continue live a life that embraces what we were about as a couple in our values. Our priorities in life were:

1. God
2. Family
3. Friends
4. Work

Therefore, as I continue to move forward in life, I strive to live a life that honors my marriage and carries on Lyn’s legacy by coming alongside others in their grief and healing process. I continue in my priorities. While I am early into my journey, I am thankful for my wife and that in her own way she tried to prepare me for the future.

Moving forward is a painful process, but I continue to do so with the guidance of God, the love of my family, and the soulful conversations of a number of trusted friends that helps in the healing. It is difficult to know what moving forward means in the future because it is impossible to predict.

I am taking each day as it comes and stepping through new doors that lead me to growing as a person. I am so thankful I had the most amazing spouse that while in the midst of her cancer struggle thought far down the line to try and help me and prepare me for the rest of my life. I look forward to continuing to honor Lyn by doing what she desired—moving forward, and enjoying life now.