Parting with Personal Belongings

When one is in the middle of a crisis, it can be a very dark time. It can be difficult to see through the darkness because you are so confused from what has transpired, and your world is completely turned upside down, and unrecognizable. All your plans in life are placed on hold, and you do not know how long things will remain in limbo. Yes, in one way you try and carry on as normal of a life as possible, just as we did. But in those early days of Lyn’s illness and treatment, they were dark, confusing, and exhausting days. During those early days, it was difficult to see which direction to turn.

For me, I turned to my faith, and took each day as it came. I did not think much beyond that current day, or perhaps the next. We envisioned writing a blog that would not be purely focused on her cancer, death, or grief. When we talked about writing a blog, it would be just a part of the journey on the path of life. This meant sharing honest feelings about everything that was transpiring, as it was unfolding. This would of course include illness, treatment, faith and grief, but also of hope, healing, and enjoying life. 

As we continue to forge ahead as a family, I wanted to give perspective of what life looks like three years later. It is one thing for me to write about, “moving forward,” and another to share what that looks like, and give specifics. As I write, time has continued to heal, and I have continued to move forward. As I have written previously, my life is blessed, and in a future blog, I will unpack what has transpired over the past number of years.

Many friends continue to ask, “how is it going?” I love that our friends still check in on us! So, how is life for our family at this point in our journey? As noted in previous posts, time heals, but not completely. There are still times of sadness, tears, and depressed feelings. I do check-ins with my children to see how they are doing, because grief lurks just below the surface, and if not tended to it can become like a splinter under the skin that becomes sore and infected. Healing is a process that takes time, and every person heals on his or her own schedule. Unfortunately, there is no magic formula or shortcut through grief. My healing will be different than that of my children.

For my children, while they are all adults, they have felt her absence in different ways. Each of them had unique, and special times with Lyn. The bond between a child and their mom is uniquely different than that of a dad. Each parent brings something different in raising children. So, naturally, there are things missing without a mom present. Two of my children have gotten married, and just as nearly every mom is involved with their child’s wedding, it safe to say Lyn would have been very involved in the planning, preparation, and advice giving. Additionally, there is the normal, “mom stuff” parenting that she would do with our children. While I am there for all my children and try to do what I can do for them, I am not a mom, and my parenting style is simply different than Lyn’s. Three years later, I can see how resilient my children are, and I am a proud father in how well they have done adjusting to life after the passing of their mom.

For me, time has been my friend. Time has done a few things. First it has forced me to learn who Jeff is as an individual. There were some good things, and some not so good things revealed. It is easy to lose the personal identity after a long marriage, so self-focus is a good place to start. Being single again forced me to understand myself a bit more, and revealed things I need to improve or work on. 

Approximately seven months after her passing, I took a mini trip to Portland. I love to travel, and I thought I had better start adjusting to what solo travel might look like. To be honest, I found it a bit rougher and lonelier than I anticipated. I wrote in my social media the following words about the trip:

“Portland after a rain is beautiful. This morning I took a nice riverwalk to close out my trip. I came back to my hotel, and finished off my blog called, “Moving Forward.” Moving forward isn’t a destination, or seeking something that makes us happy, but more of a pilgrimage in seeking the new normal of life.

I am thankful that I took this trip. It wasn’t the best trip, and at times it was full of deep conversation within myself. But it was a good and necessary trip as I move forward in life.”

Over the past three years, I have discovered the “new normal,” and I have gone through building a new part of my life. I have the same life, but a number of parts are completely different, and beautiful. I have learned that some of life can be like winter, and things die for a season, however, once spring comes, all things flourish once again. It’s been three years, and while there is much healing to come, spring came, and there has been beautiful growth. 

By growth, I also mean healing. Being able to part with some of Lyn’s belongings has helped me grow. Initially, I had a type of hoarder mentality. At times, I did not feel I could part with certain items, because I felt it was somehow trashing or disrespecting her memory. But eventually, I looked at many items as just “stuff.” But, let me assert that this is my journey, and I am by no means suggesting that my thinking is sound advice for anyone else in their journey. Each person must work through their own grief process, and it is certainly a process. My advice to those working through grief would be to save what you want. Given time, you will know when it is right to release items. When that time comes to release, I think you will find it healing.

An example would be clothing. Clothing is very personal, because I can remember good times, such as vacation sweatshirts, jerseys that were worn to our son’s baseball game, and even her favorite purses. However, after several months, I realized that these, and other items are merely just a shell or outer casing of a person. They do not represent, resemble, or bring the person back to life by holding on to them. In fact, by holding onto the items, it slowed the healing process. 

Giving away items, such as Christmas ornaments, books, and belongings to family, friends, and trusted non-profits has brought a true joy to me. It has been healthy and healing for me to part with these items. For me, holding onto items almost became a form of item worship, and thinking by keeping the item, I would somehow feel closer to the person. I finally realized that I have the memories of all these items, which to me is much more valuable than them sitting in a box or closet.

Now, after three years I have decided to part with even more. I am glad I held onto what I did, because I was not ready to part with specific items until now. Items such as rings, necklaces, and watches are such personal items because many of these items I actually purchased as gifts. However, like clothing, it is just jewelry, and it is not the person. Jewelry cannot carry on a conversation or provide companionship. What good is a piece of jewelry if it is sitting in a drawer? In fact, it actually brought a bit of heartache thinking about it sitting in a drawer, rather than its beauty being seen by others, as intended.

On this side of three years, I recently parted with all the get-well cards that Lyn received, as well as the hundreds of cards that were mailed to our family after her passing. I saved the cards in a box because there were so many beautiful words written that I felt I needed to save them. 

Reading the cards three years later was impactful! At the time of passing, I did not have the ability to truly absorb the words, or even focus on who was sending the card. I was concerned about my children. I was attempting to make funeral and celebration of life details. It was a very busy and complicated time, and I honestly could not focus on the cards. 

By taking the time three years later, it was impactful because they reminded me of the amazing people in my life that supported me (and our family). This time, I truly absorbed the words, and know who sent each one. However, after reading them, it was time to part with them because they had served their purpose in the healing process. But by releasing these and other personal items, it has allowed me to focus on more important items, such as building deeper relationships, and writing new chapters in life. 

Three years later, the sting of death is still there, but it is starting to lose its grip on me. The sting is starting to be exchanged with gratitude for an amazing person that we were blessed to have in life. Additionally, the sting is starting to be exchanged by remembering the good times and laugh. Finally, the sting of death is being exchanged by adding new memories, experiences, and relationships, as each family member writes beautiful new chapters. 

Blessings on you as you continue in life and work through what season of life you are in.