Reclaiming the Days of Heartache

All of us have particular days from the past that give us heartache. It might be an accident, a death, or a day when bad news was received. These days are etched in our minds, and the grief that some feel makes it nearly impossible to enjoy the day. Many previous posts have focused on working through grief, but working through grief is a long process, and there is no formula. There is no ten-step program to complete, and suddenly the grief is over. No, for each person, the time required is simply the time required. For me, I have embraced the grief process, and have explained that grief reminds me of the loss our family has experienced.

However, there have been three particular days that have given me tremendous heartache, and I have attempted to just avoid thinking much about those days. The date of Lyn’s passing is one of those days, as it is with all people that have experienced loss. However, the day before Lyn suffered her stroke, and her cancer diagnosis, was my birthday. Each year when my birthday approaches, it has created a bit of anxiety, because it has been the yearly reminder, almost like an alarm clock going off, to alert me of the anniversary when Lyn’s journey began. The third calendar date that brought heartache was the day after my birthday—Mother’s Day. Of all days to be stricken—Mother’s Day!

By far, the first year was the worst, and while other milestones, anniversaries, and holidays were easier to maneuver through, my birthday, and Mother’s Day were only slightly improved. The yearly alarm clock would come, and there were similar feelings as the previous year. It was a melancholy type of feeling, and I felt the need to shift my focus away from the calendar.

Over the past six years I have simply tried to ignore those days and distract myself. It was really just an exercise in futility, because it was impossible not to be cognizant of what day it was, or what day was approaching. It was a feeble attempt to avoid sadness and grief, which is odd, because I am a believer in embracing grief. Avoidance, and pretending that it is just another day, when it’s clearly not, simply delays the healing process.

In my personal experience, and in speaking with many friends that have lost partners, family or friends, the first year is simply painful. In that first year I recall telling my children that I was not planning on doing anything on the anniversary of Lyn’s passing. For me, it was not a day to celebrate like it was a July 4^th gathering. And to be honest, I cannot even recall if we did anything on that first Mother’s Day after her passing, because it was a day of intense pain. 

This year was the first time Mother’s Day fell on Sunday May 14th, which was the same day she suffered her stroke and cancer diagnosis. I had been thinking of Mother’s Day for many months leading up to the day, and I wasn’t quite sure how I would feel once the day came. Over the past several years, I have done my best to push Mother’s Day, and the other two dates to the back recesses of my mind, and pretend they were just another day.

However, this year has been different. For the first time, I could sense personal growth in the grief process. This year it has been much more productive in the healing process. I have been able to remember those days for what they are—days of pain, sadness, struggle, and grief, but I was also able to start to reclaim those days for goodness. I did not allow grief to have a stranglehold on those days any longer. I wanted to turn heartache into joy. My new spouse and I did just that!

Since being remarried, my wife, Rose, has been so amazing and open to talking about the past, and recognizing that Lyn was someone I had more than 32 years of history with. Both of us recognize that this history with Lyn spans more than one-half of my life, in friendship, dating, engagement, marriage, and most importantly, being the mother of my three children. Those are all amazing things, and items that have significantly shaped who I am today! Those are all things that are a part of my life-story, and while it is hard to work through grief, and reclaim those bad dates on a calendar, my new partner in life has helped me in continuing to heal and move forward in life. In fact, my wife Rose is a part of this continued journey, and my story. I am also a part of her continued story. Together we are writing new chapters, and moving forward in life. 

The blending of lives, families, traditions, celebrations, and grief is beautiful. My wife is not threatened by my love for Lyn, and the grief that follows the loss of a spouse. She has taught me that I can love, and love, and love even more, just like God has loved us, and it never stops. This is incredibly valuable, because in speaking with many who have lost a spouse there is a difficulty believing that loving another is possible. Speaking from experience, it is possible to love again.

Those of us on this side of sunshine must keep enjoying life. I am sure all have witnessed someone that has experienced loss, and many years later, it was as if life ended for the survivor as well. When the partner died, they also died and stopped living. Yes, it is true that when a spouse dies, a part of you dies as well. The realization that all the unfulfilled dreams will never happen, adds to the sting of death. However, as painful as it was, I found it important to start charting a new path in life, and embark on my new journey. Lyn would unquestionably desire this for me, because she was about enjoying life.

I think it is safe to say that if we could ask a person prior to their passing, “What would you like to see for your spouse after you pass?,” the vast majority of answers would be universal. Most, if not all would respond with, “I want my spouse to be happy, and continue to live and enjoy life!” Each person needs to find that which makes them happy so they can continue to move forward and make the most of each day.

What does enjoying life look like? Each person who experiences loss must determine what
“enjoying life” looks like for themselves. Perhaps it is investing more time with friends. For some, it is to search for a deeper spiritual journey with God. For others it is spending time traveling, or more time with children and grandchildren. The important part is that we all have those days that impact us deeply. I have chosen to take back those days and acknowledge the heartache that happened, but to also start living and enjoying life on those days.

This year my wife and I took back both days, and made them not only memorable, but two of the best days we could have had. It was not an attempt to pretend the past did not happen, as I have done in previous years. It was more about seeing every day as a new day, and to be present in the moment. One of the rocks that Lyn painted in the week following her cancer diagnosis is my absolute favorite, it is one of the smallest rocks she painted, but it is a reminder to me to keep enjoying life. The rock says, “Enjoy Life Now!”

It is easy to see negative days as days that are, “off limits,” for having fun because something bad happened on that day. And while I agree that some events in life, and tragic events in society need to be “off limits,”and serve as sacred days, or days of remembering or memorials for those that have been lost, my two days were not those days. I can still remember the pain on those days, while at the same time taking the word from her rock, and to “Enjoy Life Now!”

Life is special. Life is precious. Life is unpredictable. Life is the most important thing that we have on this side of sunshine. Why waste a day of life? I want to enjoy each day, while still honoring my past with Lyn. My wife Rose and I did just that! 

My birthday was the best one in six years, and Mother’s Day was spent celebrating our mothers. I now have new amazing memories for two days that were days marked with heartache. Indeed, the memory of the past is strong, and it will always have a bit of heartache. I will always get a bit of a lump in my throat, or the feeling down deep in the pit of my stomach when I think about how life changed on May 14. 

Six years later I still acknowledge those three dreadful days, and the heartache that ensued. But I have taken back and reclaimed those days and turned them into days of living and enjoying life. I am thankful for all the amazing new memories that I am building. When Lyn painted that rock, she knew exactly what she was painting, and the purpose. Her words meant that she was not going to waste time or focus on the days of heartache. Enjoying life now means that I enjoy life in real-time by making new memories. I am reclaiming the days of heartache and making new memories, and I encourage all my friends to enjoy life now!