Everyone has thoughts about his or her mortality. For our family, we were forced to think about this quite often as we saw my wife go through her illness. During my wife’s illness, I would lay in bed, and wonder what life would be like if Lyn would not experience healing. At first, when those thoughts would surface, I would try and suppress them by thinking about anything else. I distracted my thinking, because I believed it was a weakness in my faith by contemplating anything but a total and complete healing. Afterall, we truly believed, she would beat the cancer, even though she was very ill. Therefore, to have thoughts of her not being healed was a lack of faith in my early thinking. This was false reasoning, and thankfully, it did not last long.
As Lyn and I walked this journey, our faith, resolve, honesty, and relationship strengthened. Once we addressed the obvious, that she was very ill, and we did not know how things would end up, it was very liberating. As we came to terms with our lack of power, control, and mortality, we also no longer feared death.
Lyn and I spoke very honestly about how serious her illness was, but we oftentimes ended our conversation with, “It is what it is.” It was not that we were taking a passive, or casual attitude toward her situation, moreover, once we realized that we had no control over the cancer, and that we are all going to pass away at some point, this freed our minds to not only enjoy life, but to address what the end might look like. Once we arrived at this stage in our thinking, it was a beautiful place to be, because we could simply enjoy each day that God gave us.
Lyn and I never specifically discussed what the final moments of life might look like, because, we really didn’t feel that need, nor did we really know what that would look like. Because of our eternal beliefs, and what happens to a Christian at their last breath, we focused on what the end would be like on a larger scale, such as being prepared, and eternal life in heaven.
We talked much about having our affairs in order, which included Lyn telling me what songs she would like at a celebration of life service. We always tried to keep a sense of humor, even in our tough conversations. At one point I told Lyn, “You know, I will be doing your celebration of life service if that time ever happens!” When I told Lyn this, she laughed, and said, “Oh you will, huh?” as to mean, “Of course you will, you control freak!” We simply attempted to be as honest as we could.
After Lyn’s initial stroke and cancer diagnoses, and subsequent brain bleeds from the cancer lesions, we knew we needed to be honest with one another, including conversations about death, and our eternal hope. We both knew that if there were additional serious brain bleeds, there was the possibility that death could come quickly. Lyn ended up in the hospital numerous times because of these brain bleeds, but thankfully the bleeding stopped each time. Therefore, we talked about many scenarios that would leave her unable to communicate, and how we would work through this difficulty. We hoped this situation would never occur, but we learned early on that we needed to be prepared for anything since we had no control.
I cannot stress enough the importance of honest communication and preparation, even for those reading that are perfectly healthy. Before Lyn’s stroke and cancer diagnosis, she was perfectly healthy. Lyn was in good shape and was amazingly active. Cancer didn’t care about any of that! Cancer just happens. Cancer is indiscriminate; therefore, life and death preparation are important. We were fortunate that Lyn recovered enough for us to truly enjoy life, and to also get our affairs in order. We had an advanced medical directive filed with the doctor and hospital, which explained exactly the level of care, and lifesaving steps that would or would not be taken.
We also had a living trust which spelled out every detail on our wishes for the estate, and our care. However, as pointed out in a previous post, even though we had a living trust, an advanced directive form was also needed for the hospital. In addition, there was a separate power of attorney needed for Lyn’s government retirement account. We have found that most people do not know these little wrinkles, and they can cause significant issues if not taken care of in advance.
Lyn and I also had honest conversations that if we ever reached a point where she could no longer communicate, that she was not to worry or be fearful that I (and our children), would not somehow know how she felt about us. We knew exactly how much she loved us, and how much we loved her! I told Lyn, if she ever reached a point in which she couldn’t tell me, “I love you,” not to worry, because I already knew. In reading this, some might think this is strange, but I cannot stress enough how much relief this provided by talking honestly and openly about things that can happen. We were glad we had this talk, because this exact situation occurred.
A fear I had was that I did not want Lyn to be trapped in her mind, and thinking, “I need to tell Jeff, Breanna, Jordan, Garrett, and my family that I love them!” We all knew this, and I conveyed this to Lyn. Over the two-year battle, Lyn and I developed a simple, yet effective expression of love. There were numerous times where she was too ill, or too weak to talk, so we developed the three little hand squeezes signifying, “I love you.” We used these little hand squeezes thousands of times as she was going in for an MRI, a CT scan, or while hearing news from a doctor.
To the best of our ability we tried to cover as many situations as possible. However, as I wrote in the last blog, “Nothing in life prepares us for death.” Even as prepared as we were, when I received a call from Lyn’s chief oncologist that she was not going to recover, it was difficult to process.
When that time came, my mind was in disbelief. I recall grasping for answers. I am a natural fixer, and I thought I could come up with another idea or solution as I did over the previous two years. I would analyze Lyn’s situation, examine the numbers in her bloodwork, and note positive or negative changes from medication dosages. I would pitch ideas to her doctor, and many times, the ideas helped her.
However, this time, I had no ideas that could help. As I pitched ideas to the doctor, he responded that we could try my idea, but it could also bring on additional suffering to Lynette. I recall talking to the doctor while standing in a quiet hospital hallway, and feeling chills, and numbness as I realized that my wife of nearly 30 years would likely pass in two weeks or less.
We were in a place in life that we never could have imagined, and it was a painful place. As a family, and extended family, we pulled together. All of our family members, and her extremely close friends had the opportunity to spend time with Lyn, which made her very happy. Our focus shifted from healing, to providing love and comfort to Lyn. I wish I could have waived a magic wand to bring healing. It was a situation in which I felt helpless, so all I could do was to make the most of every opportunity we had together.
We had many opportunities for family and close friends to come over, but I also made sure that I spent time alone with Lyn, and I just talked to her, held her hand, brushed her hair, read the Bible to her, and prayed for the peace, comfort, and healing that only God could bring.
Although this time was full of heartache, it was also a time in which I felt the peace of God because we knew that once Lyn took her last peaceful breath on this side of sunshine, she would immediately be ushered into the presence of God. We had an amazing life together, and we were a family of love that supported one another. Lyn knew this right up to the end.
For Lyn, there was no greater peace than her knowing how much we loved her, how much she loved us, and that she was spending eternity with her Savior, Jesus Christ. Through Lyn’s amazing faith, courage, and positive outlook, we received the strength needed at that moment of sadness. The way Lyn lived, even at the end of life, gave us a model of a woman with incredible strength, and was guided by her faith. Lyn often used the term, “We need to keep moving forward in life.” She modeled this right up to the end, and this has helped us continue to live and enjoy life, just as Lyn would want for her family and friends.