Time Does Heal

Happy new year! We just emerged from the year 2020, and it was a worldwide mess! The holidays were extremely strange. It was a year ago, when I struggled through the 2019 holidays and was ready to start writing a new chapter in 2020. The holidays in 2019 were especially painful, because they were all within that, “Year of firsts,” that I have written about in previous blogs.

As I approached the holidays in 2020, it was much easier. This past Christmas, I did not have the tree in a bucket for two weeks in my garage, and it felt good to decorate with some familiar things, and to also part ways with things that I was simply ready to part with.

Most, if not all of us have gone through holidays where we simply did not feel like celebrating. This is normal, and it’s okay to just survive the holidays. Having these feelings did not make me less grateful for the life I have, or somehow signal that I was suppressing feelings, or that I was depressed. Moreover, in 2019, my emotions were like a twisted and tangled strand of Christmas lights. It just takes time to untangle things! Christmas 2020 felt freer, and the tangled mess from 2019 was gone.

Many friends had told me that while the holidays will forever be a little different, and difficult, time does begin to heal. This does not mean that I didn’t have moments of sadness and grief, because I did. Going to the cemetery on Christmas to take flowers to the grave was emotional, but it is also part of the grieving process.

However, while in 2019, things just seemed unreal, and unnatural, time has allowed the reality to be understood, and embraced. I found the holidays in 2020 much easier for me emotionally. I actually enjoyed the Christmas season this year as I reflected on the past and thought about the exciting future that is in front of me.

As I sit here in January 2021, it has been two years since Lyn and I sat down and had a serious conversation about life, death, healing, and continuing to, “move forward.” As I wrote in previous blogs, when she sat me down, and said that we needed to keep moving forward with life, I really did not understand the timing of the conversation. It was odd to me. I did not comprehend the message behind the message until after her passing.

I now know that Lyn was starting to prepare me for the end of her time on earth. I am thankful that she was so forward thinking, calm, at peace, and concerned about me (and the family) in the midst of her cancer battle! However, it does not surprise me, because Lyn was always concerned about other people, and she did not fear death because of her eternal hope she had.

Now that I think back, it was quite a gift she gave me, because it has provided enormous peace realizing that she was preparing for a time in the future when we would have to say goodbye to one another in this life. Lyn maintained inner peace through her daily prayers, reading the Scriptures, and sharing love with everyone she came into contact. As she was starting to ponder if the battle would soon be over, she continued to simply live a life that exuded that inner peace.

The cancer battle for Lyn had started its nineteenth month, and we knew the math on how long she could be on her targeted chemo pills. The time was quickly approaching in which we knew the doctor would need to change her medication. Lyn knew this, and in January 2019, she was preparing me for a life on this earth without her.

It has been quite a journey, and as I sit here in 2021, I can truly say that while there will always be those wounds that are just hard to heal with her passing, time is slowly healing those wounds.

I think the hardest wounds to heal are those that are in the inner parts of my mind. Those I have talked with, have told me that there are things in the mind that just take a long time to work through and heal. Such things as the struggles that I saw Lyn work through, the bodily, and cognitive impacts from the medications, and the medical issues that I saw toward the end of life are rough to recall. Those are things that my mind has had difficulty erasing, and at this point I do not think they will ever be truly gone. There are some things in life that you just cannot unsee, or un-experience.

That being said, it does not mean that I cannot continue to work through the grieving process. Some have said that unless you can replace those sad memories with good memories, one is not through the grief process. I do not ascribe to this thinking. The mind is powerful, and I am sure that all of us have those critical life-shaping events that still bring sadness to our hearts, but we are truly happy and healthy beings. We are not robots; we are humans with deep memories, thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I thank God for all these memories—good or bad!

I attempt to look at all these situations as opportunities for learning. I want to take what I have learned through the process with Lyn, and to utilize it to help others going through life-threatening situations, illness, tragedy, and grief. It is not that I have all the answers, however, my experience has made me a much more compassionate person that hurts for people in a deeper and emotional way. I am a much different person now than I was four years ago when this journey started.

I am more thankful, grateful, emotional, caring, loving, patient and passionate for being a positive human being. I want to make a positive difference in people’s life, just as Lyn did each day.

As we are at the beginning of 2021, I pray it’s a good year for our world. Last year was painful and tragic for so many. However, time does heal. I know this because over the past 20 months since Lyn’s passing, I have experienced the healing process. Thank you for being a part of the process that has not only enriched my life but has helped me heal wounds.

God’s best upon you this year.