What it Means to Be Alive

Music has always been something that has spoken to me. I can hear a song, and almost instantly recall when I first heard it, what I was doing, or what movie the song is in. There are many songs that are just fun, and others will inspire and motivate me. There are other songs that cut into my core, evoke an emotion, and speak to me on an intellectual, and spiritual level. During Lyn’s illness, music was one of my peaceful places. Lyn also enjoyed music, and was an amazing pianist, taught piano, and was able to listen for the deep meanings within a song. 

One of those musical artists that Lyn connected with was Danny Gokey. If you followed American Idol in the early years, Gokey finished third many years ago. I was not familiar with him until after Lyn’s illness. But, his story, like mine, also includes the loss of a spouse. Many of his songs are inspirational, honest, and deep, which is why they also connect with me.

In Gokey’s song, “This is what it means” (to be alive) sums up how I feel about life. His song speaks to the sides of life we will all experience in our lifetime: death, loss, emotion, grief, sadness, joy, happiness, and love. It speaks of the different sides of life, and that sometimes we have to see things from the other side to truly understand what it means to be alive. This song speaks to me on many levels. While the song hits hard in the beginning, and he is clearly speaking of the loss of his partner, it goes on to truly evoke feelings of heartache, loss, love, pain, grace, and joy, which are all parts of what it means to be alive. 

Song link: This is What it Means (to be alive)

The lyrics of the song highlight two completely different life experiences: “joy can give you wings to fly,” and “Sometimes the pain will cut you so just like a knife.” Unfortunately, while we always want to feel the joys of life, we all know too well that there is pain sprinkled throughout parts of our life.

Many have asked if I could wind back the clock, or calendar, would I do so. My answer almost always surprises the person asking. My answer is…absolutely not! I would not change a thing. I am right where I need to be in life. While Lyn and I did not want to use the blog as preaching, or forcing our beliefs upon others, it’s impossible to not interweave some of our personal faith and belief into my posts. So, in my belief, there is no other way this could have turned out because much of what happens in our lives does so without our control. 

I am right where God intended me to be. I recognize that many struggle with this thought, because some may think that I am implying that God gave Lyn cancer, and furthermore wanted our family to experience loss, pain, and grief. While some may see it this way, I have explained to friends and family that in most cases, cancer just happens. Lyn did not get cancer as some kind of cruel punishment by God. Our family did not endure the journey with her as payback, or karma for something we did. Cancer is indiscriminate and attacks people of all beliefs, faiths, colors, and backgrounds equally. Lyn and I recognized this, and while we wanted healing on this side of sunshine, we knew her illness was extremely serious, and healing was not in our control. 

We will all go through the many sides of life, and we will have zero control over the majority of what life throws our way. However, it is our decision how we will go through life, and in my case, the healing process I continue to go through.

I have realized three things, I am happy, I have joy, and I am blessed. Have I (and our family) had incredible heartache and grief? Absolutely! In fact, our family will always carry a bit of sadness, and have a lifetime of grief at that moment when we think about Lyn. The fact is that most, if not all of us have a common shared sadness and grief from a loved one or friend that has left us too early in this life. I am sure you have that moment of sadness and grief when you think about that special person. But this is what it means to be alive—to go through life and experience all of the emotions that we were given. As human beings we share this, because we will all see life from different sides. It is unavoidable, and out of our control.

Therefore, I would not roll-back the clock 10 years just to re-live what I went through. So many want to live in the past, and yearn to go back to a previous time in life. I have found and seen in others that this is a slippery slope, because it prevents one from the process of healing. Healing is a long process, and living in the past, prevents us from moving forward. 

I have focused on, “moving forward” in previous posts, partly because that is what Lyn wanted me to do, and second, because I believe I am meant to enjoy the life that God has given me. I never use the phrase, “moving on.” For me, there is a huge difference in terminology. In my thinking, “moving on” means I am discarding or discounting the past. Perhaps it is just semantics for some, but moving forward means I am acknowledging the past, recognizing the pain of loss, and moving through grief (while enjoying life) as I progress forward in life.

For some, there is a guilt associated with being the survivor. There is the thought of, “How can I experience happiness, joy, laughter, or even consider future love when my loved one has passed?” For others, the thought that finding happiness, or love is somehow being unfaithful to their deceased partner. It’s a personal choice in how one decides to move forward in life. However, we will all move forward in one way or another, and for me, I am choosing to move forward in life and embracing how life unfolds. I chose not to become reclusive and spend the remaining days of life trying to hold onto something that is impossible to re-live. 

I can only speak or write for myself, so your situation is likely different. When we were going through Lyn’s illness, as written about in previous posts, we talked very candidly of what might happen, including death, and the need to continue living. We live, and experience life as it comes to us. For me, I had to come to this realization while supporting Lyn through her illness. However, I also had to come to terms with her loss, and that it was okay for me to enjoy life, and even love, while working through the grief process.

We will all experience the different sides of life, and we will have to make decisions on how to move forward through loss, struggle, pain and grief. And I am not merely writing about cancer, because many of us may not go through a cancer battle, but we will all go through other types of life trauma that causes just as much pain. I am referring to the different sides of life that include loss, pain, struggle, and grief that simply comes as we navigate through this life. We will all share in this part of life.

Moving through pain and grief over the past five years has been challenging, but it has also produced such amazing joy and surprise. To wish I could somehow revert back to ten years ago would not change what has transpired. Is it the journey I would have chosen? Absolutely not! But most, if not all of us, have realized that life happens, and one of those sides of life is pain and struggle. However, that being said, I would not wave a magic wand and go back to a more beautiful and pleasing time. Why? Because as I am allowing life to unfold, I am experiencing some truly beautiful things in life. I am living in the present, and very much looking forward to my future. 

While I would like to see life only from one side—the happy side, we all know that doesn’t happen. I can speak and write from personal experience that life isn’t always fun and enjoyable. We will all have incredibly painful seasons in our lives, and that will continue as long as we have breath. However, I can tell you that given time, you will work through any painful situation you face. 

“Sometimes the joy can give you wings to fly
Sometimes the pain will cut you so just like a knife
There’s fear, there’s faith, there’s loss, there’s grace
I’ve seen it from both sides. This is what it means to be alive.”*

Friends, cherish the past. Enjoy the present. Look forward to the future blessings that will come to you. You will see life from all sides. For me, this is what it means to be alive.

* Songwriters: Danny Gokey / Keith Thomas / Stephanie R. Lewis

(This Is What It Means lyrics © BMG Rights Management, Capitol CMG Publishing, Universal Music Publishing Group)